[[Written Minutes After Seeing LaLa Land, play the soundtrack for full effect]]
I guess the age old question stands, is it better to loved and lost or to have never loved at all. Words I’ve been trying not to write recently have all started with this. It’s not a popular topic when you write about your ex. For goodness sake, I’m engaged! Move on, pick yourself up, write prettier things on Instagram. But I can’t, I promised you I never would be like that. I always promised my readers I would write just how I felt. And I hope someone might find just that, hope.
You can tell I’m in a different place when I’m finding solace in Taylor Swift Red album. The heart-ache-album, the I-remember-how-good-it-used-to-be album. It’s not that I want what I had, and it’s not that I don’t love what I have now, it’s just that growing up forces you to leave behind so many things that you might not of been ready to let go of.
I did it, I was officially the girl who chased her dreams instead of holding onto the boy who might’ve been holding her back. For those of you who have been around for the long-haul it’s been a 10 year process since my heart was first smitten by that 15-year-old lad. I wrote it the other week but again I’ll write it tonight, I feel like he wrote so much of the narrative in my life. It was such a molding time of who I am, what I wanted, and exactly who I have become. He was there, he saw the tears, he saw the choices and we knew that every night could be our last. We both knew I would smarten up one day. That I finally would wake up to the reality that there was no exclusiveness in our relationship, that even if I gave my full self to him it would’ve never been enough. He was then and he is now, unsatisfied. He is unable to spend his nights alone in comfort and he is unable to put someone else first without thinking of himself in the long run.
I remember thinking to myself every road trip, every holiday we shared, every late night, last-minute decision we made I felt like it was a true cherished gift. Because we knew it wouldn’t last forever. So was it worth having it for the time we did? Seeing how I am still within the decade of our first date I might not have the best perspective on all of this. It was a different time then. I was so much more free then, free to make choices based on pleasure instead of reality. This is real life, I chose my goals, I chose to give everything I have to the God I believe created us. I know I chose correctly. It’s just sometimes, unexpectedly, I remember it and in the words of Taylor Swift, I remember it “all too well”.
“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.”
1 Corinthians 10:13 MSG
“God overlooks it as long as you don’t know any better—but that time is past. The unknown is now known, and he’s calling for a radical life-change. He has set a day when the entire human race will be judged and everything set right.”
Acts 17:30 MSG
“A life frittered away disgusts GOD; he loves those who run straight for the finish line.”
Proverbs 15:9 MSG
Finish line. My Only Aim. He is near. Thank you.