I got to be with my crew last night and as one by one the girls trickled out the conversation deepened to lost time, deferred dreams and missed opportunities. We wondered what happened to us: We use to blog, we use to be so vulnerable, we use to be able to offer our full selves and we most certainly use to pray more. Carey mentioned a book she read by Brene Brown that was written before Brene was a TedTalk sensation. I am misquoting probably, but the researched showed that humans will do anything in their power to avoid feeling shame and/or grief. It hit me. Bam. Right then, grief… that’s it. That is why stuck people are so stuck. No one wants to say goodbye. It’s terrible, it’s miserable, almost shameful feeling. You are ashamed of leaving, but then it comes a point where you are too hurt to stay.
It’s no secret that I was in love before. For whatever reason that relationship defined a lot of my narrative as I see it. I feared our goodbye, I feared learning someone new, and it was so comfortable— even in all the chaos. The best way I can explain it was our good was so good that the bad just actually didn’t feel that bad. But it was bad, at times terrible. We didn’t respect each other, we were selfish at our core, both of us. But I couldn’t seem to let go. And I even have the hope that Jesus would be there for me working for the good of His Gospel and He would help me find a God-fearing man. Still, I couldn’t let go- why? Greif. It’s unexplainable how unbearable it is. And I am not even talking about the kind where you physically lose someone you love, that’s heart-wrenching, but even just the loss of a season, a time in life, those grief moments—we avoid at all costs.
Hate your job, but you stay? Sick of your landlord, but you stay? Friend doesn’t respect your time or boundaries, but you allow it to happen? Grocery store never has what you come in for but you go to the same one anyway? Starbucks makes your order wrong, but you can’t seem to stop going there? I mean these are simple things but I am telling you, I see it every day. Miserable people, why? Because we refuse to let go.
Ironically Facebook likes to remind me of everything I have posted for the last eight years and three years ago (a year before I knew I was going to move across the country) I posted “I think I am going to be super cliché about this whole ‘new year, new you’ thing this year. Beware of the sudden onset of super optimistic quotes.” With an accompanying photo stating “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello –Paulo Coehlo” How accurate that was! And so many people since then have given me so much more credit than I deserve. Always lifting my spirits saying I deserve all the goodness coming my way and I have worked so hard and I am so brave, etc. And I am not good at accepting kind words as of late (gotta get past that)- but one thing I can claim: Yes, I was brave enough. I left the comfortable, I felt, I cried, I took the risk I may never love again, I took the risk that I may never find friends again, I took the risk that I may never be my own supervisor again, but I was leaving. I was making a change. I was taking ownership of my own happiness, I was going, going, gone.
It’s the only way. WE HAVE TO FEEL THE GRIEF! We have to sit in the pain of making a choice but at least WE MADE A CHOICE. My move was drastic (and I feel God lead) but I am talking about everyday things too. Like your Verizon bill is raising $50 every month and you hate it? Change it, get out there and research and get a plan that works for you! I don’t know…that seems like an assertive example but the posit is, we can’t fear feeling. Especially feeling grief. “If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”-Brené Brown; “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”-Brené Brown
That is all. My Christmas Wish would be for those who have been avoiding the inevitable pain of change would jump in and find great success.
Related Post From 2011: http://kphil1.blogspot.com/2011/06/grey-scale-of-desire.html
Related Post From 2008: http://kphil1.blogspot.com/2008/10/he-brought-me-back-so-i-could-move.html